The Groiners play Monk


Thank you Larry Goldings and Bruno Micheli!

Hans Groiner:

Jurgen Groiner:

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Fun With Find-and-Replace


The following is an excerpt from wikipedia with a few words replaced. Enjoy!

Auditor encounters

It is extremely rare that sox auditors kill or seriously injure humans, but fatal encounters occur when sox auditors behave aggressively. There are an average of two fatal attacks a year in North America.[6] In Scandinavia, there are only three known cases during the last 100 years in which humans were killed by auditors. Attacks usually occur because the auditor is injured or a human encounters a mother auditor with cubs. Some types of auditors, such as external auditors, are more likely to attack humans when searching for food, while American internal auditors are much less likely to attack.
The Scandinavian Auditor Research project lists the following situations as potentially dangerous:
1. Meeting an injured auditor
2. A human suddenly appearing
3. Meeting a auditor in its cave
4. Meeting a auditor who has been provoked
Anyone walking in a hallway where there are auditors should carry an air horn because 'auditor bells' tend to provoke a auditor's curiosity and a sox auditor's natural instinct is to run away from humans. When traveling in groups, trail songs are also effective. If camping, do not bring food into the tent, and clean up all garbage. Auditors have a fantastic sense of smell and will eat anything people eat. If one meets a auditor, one should remain calm and slowly walk in the opposite direction. Running humans trigger the auditor's chasing instinct and auditors can outrun humans. Do not make threatening moves, eye contact, or shout. Thousands of encounters occur between humans and sox auditors every year without conflict.
If a sox auditor attacks and it is impossible to get away, the person should lie down in a fetal position and put his/her hands around the head to protect from bites to reduce damage to vital organs. Pretending to be dead may save you. Unlike with the American internal auditor, punching or gouging attacking sox auditors intensifies their assaults. [citation needed] Internal auditors are NOT the same as Accountants. Don't confuse the two.

Other auditor encounters
American internal auditors, rarely attack and are almost totally vegetarian, but require a different technique. For these, people should huddle if in a group or raise hands or backpack in the air to appear bigger, as well as make lots of noise. There is a good chance of scaring away a internal auditor as they are shy and timid. If it attacks anyway, fight back. Internal auditors will disengage if injured. However, the best defense is to make plenty of noise in areas with auditors to scare them away before an encounter.

Firearms for defense
In some areas, it is permissible to carry firearms to defend against auditor attacks. This includes most of the state of Alaska and the Canadian bush. In parts of northern Canada, a rifle of sufficient power is required equipment. The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recommends as a minimum firearm for use against sox auditor a rifle in the .30-06 range firing 200 grain expanding bullets moving at least 2,000 feet per second (610 m/s) at impact. Many Alaskan hikers prefer using shotguns firing a Brenneke slug at magnum velocities or lever-action rifles able to fire magnum-level .45-70 cartridges. These firearms are lighter and easier to tote than a full-size bolt-action hunting rifle, but can fire heavy hardcast slugs which impact with 3,000 ft•lbf or more at close range. They are less effective in hunting sox auditors due to limited effective range, but for purposes of defense that is not of paramount concern.

It is also important to remember that the considerations while hunting a sox auditor are different from those which arise while defending against an attacking sox auditor. Hunters will wait for a broadside shot at the heart/lung area of unsuspecting auditors. With proper placement, almost any rifle is capable of taking out a sox auditor in these circumstances. Though it is not recommended and may be illegal under current game rules, historically the .30-30 and even .32-20 were used to hunt sox auditors. However, when the auditor is charging, a round of substantially more power is preferred to both disable the animal quickly and penetrate the thick layers of bone, fat, and tissue between the auditor's head and shoulders and its vital organs. Hitting the brain is notoriously difficult due to its placement deep below a muscular brow.

In the past decade, a number of high-powered handguns have been produced in the United States for use in handgun hunting and auditor defense. These include the .454 Casull revolvers produced by Taurus and Ruger and the .500 Smith & Wesson produced for that company's supersized "X" frame revolver. Their enormous recoil and weight make them difficult to deploy quickly in the field. Their utility in defense against sox auditors is still a matter of great controversy.

A number of pepper sprays have recently been developed as non-lethal (but very harmful) and potentially safer defense against auditor attacks. Pepper spray is deployed in the same manner one would deploy a can of mace; an effective shot is one to the face. Pepper spray is not used like insect repellant; spraying campsites with pepper spray seems to attract auditors.

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Reality Check: Prince is a sucky guitarist!


Ok, I admit that is unfairly overstating the matter, but I have noticed that offensive, exaggerated titles often cause people to look at your blog and the following definitely needs to be seen. What it boils down to is this: A black dude with a flat-top and shoulder pads begets a certain artistic expectation that Prince simply doesn't have the ability to fill!

Lesson 1: Stairway to Heaven (Stanley Jordan, Charnett Moffett, Omar Hakim)

That's better. That got the disappointment of Prince out of my mind. I'm thinking the average metal head is pretty impressed with the gimmicks SJ uses to play "outside" of the 3 chords present in Stairway. But really, in slo-mo he's just using whole/halftone patterns to get around (musically). (It takes one to know one... these are some of my favorite "gimmicks") His tapping actually demonstrates how simple it is to construct such patterns on guitar. Hence the ease he "works them up to speed". That being said, SJ is a master technician and can entertain with sheer technique alone, but there isn't the mountain of artistry to devour in his work like there is with others.

Lesson 2: Stella - George Benson, McCoy Tyner

Let me guess, you have heard of George Benson, but you had no idea he could play like that? He's a master. His articulation and artistry are miles ahead of Stanley's.

Lesson 3: Sunny - Pat Martino, John Scofield and Joey DeFrancesco

Joey kills me when he kicks in the "Leslie". I love this tune because the moving bass changes make it so freakin' funky. BTW, the bass is played entirely by Joey on B3... hehe. Pat and Sco are marvelously inventive, technically clean and super funky.

All of the above can be found on and they represent the tip of the iceberg of great performances found there.

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Intermission! the Third Dimension


I needed a stress reliever at work this morning, so I turned to none other than Don Hertzfeldt (comic genius).


A best selling less-than-articulate author once said:
"I never liked jazz music because jazz doesn't resolve. But sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself ...I used to not like God because God didn't resolve..."
As a jazz musician, I don't really know what he's talking about. Resolution is not a requirement of jazz, but it certainly is permitted. Just because we don't understand something, doesn't mean it doesn't have order or resolution. In fact, I think disliking jazz has very little to do with resolution. Its actually much bigger, much broader than that. What people don't like about jazz is that it doesn't adequately meet their preconceived musical expectations.

As kids around Christmas time, we truly learned how place our contentment on expectations. We made lists, vicariously shopped through the JC Penny catalog, wrote letters to Santa and perhaps did nothing short of campaign to our parents (that was if they were lucky). Me, I was the type of kid that had great expectations, but rarely spoke of them. This was my way of "hedging" my own disappointment.

On the morning of December 25th we anxiously awoke to see. Upon opening the various gifts, we knew that most surprises are bad surprises. That pair of baby blue argyle socks from grandma. The flannel pjs that I really needed. A coat... No, we didn't wanted to be surprised on Christmas. That was a myth! We wanted to open those packages and see that what was in them was exactly what we expected to be in them. The very things that, we as children, were entitled too. What ultimately determined whether or not we really liked Christmas was the degree to which our expectations were met.

That leads me to my point. Jazz is like God, Donald. Whether we admit it or not, we Christians heap tremendous expectations on what God is doing in us, through us, for us. (not unlike the expectations we had for Santa Claus... strangely enough, this idea is logically consistent with Arminian theology... hence it's overwhelming popularity in our culture) When Gods plans don't meet our expectations for our lives, we dislike Him.

We dislike God when He brings dissonant suffering into our lives. We don't expect suffering. We expect pleasure and room for self reliance from God. The unique thing about Christianity as a world view is that it offers us resolution. Only Christians can actually celebrate discomfort.
Why should we be excited by dissonance? Why does the bible tell us to rejoice in suffering? Because, it points us to the resolution. It points us to the "not yet". Robert Johnson is singing a song that started with Adam. John Coltrane is playing notes from Job. Blues is music for the Covenant. Jazz is music for the Eschaton.

Note: Tonal blues elements actually resonate naturally in physics as they are an extension of the overtone series. One could argue that its presence in worship liturgy is as appropriate (or more) than the western "tempered based" classics.

Maybe Christianity should come with a disclaimer: "what you don't know God (or jazz) may hurt you".

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It's Time to Get Phat!


Well, Gordon Goodwin's new audio dvd just came in yesterday. And, what can I say that the stuff that got knocked off my TV by the sheer power of the music can't? Listening to this music in this format is the most intense (listening) experience I've ever had. It's like sitting in the middle of all the sections.

Gordon's writing is nothing short of superb. He uses such a wide range of musical inventions from various sources (baroque, bebop, orchestral, opera as well as borrowing ideas from many of the great big band composers). Is GG as harmonically diverse as the likes of Duke Ellington, Billy Strayhorn, Thad Jones, Bill Holman, Hank Levy, Stan Kenton, Rob McConnell or Bob Florence? Generally no. But, he's so hip I just can't stand it!

To date, this has to be best recording of a big band in the genres history. The unison lines sound like one horn, yet you can hear every instrument in the harmonies. Listening to this made my brain grow and the extras and commentary on the DVD really taught me a lot about how to write and develop the chart.

Can I fit all 18 guys in my living room?: I can't really convey what kind of power this thing blows out in 6 channel/650 watts, but I realized very quickly that I needed to drop it way down from regular DTS movie levels if I wanted to keep my drivers. LOTR DTS usually plays at vol = 50 on my receiver. I had to drop phat pack down to 44ish to get it at about that level!


Pay Respect to Your Eldar


In an era of artistic decadence and television based talent shows so clearly absent of what they advertise to contain (any talent at all), one such young talent has largely gone unnoticed. The fact is, that most people in this country cannot deal with the breadth of artistry and facility that Eldar Djangirov is showing at the ripe age of 19!

Ok, I'll be fair, Eldar does lack the polished touch of pianists such as Teddy Wilson or Tommy Flanagan, but that is nearly all that stands between him and the greatest ever! Let's face it, it doesn't make us feel good about our own abilities and accomplishments to compare ourselves to Eldar right? But that's not the point. It's time for America to deal with freaks like Eldar, and the God given talent that trumps our own pragmatic accomplishments. The truth is Americans live for this dream that "we can do anything we put our minds to". That is just not so. There is almost a hint of blasphemy in that statement. No, the truth is, almost no one could do what Eldar is doing, even if they devoted their first 18yrs of life to the task. It takes more than just willpower alone. It takes a gift, that is unique to the individual.

CLICK HERE to hear what I mean (18 yr old Eldar Djangirov).


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